A Girl and Her Stilettos

Dear Diary:

I wish I knew how to sew. I’d make it myself.

My mother is a talented seamstress. Unfortunately, she’s selfish! Do you think she ever thought that maybe I’d like to learn to sew? Well, she’s probably right! Quality time spent with her would be a nightmare! I would have rather sat locked up in my room writing death poetry.

Dear Diary:

Hair is green no more.

I am happy again.

Went and bought this -

Tonight I will eat well. Drink alcohol. Screw the man I love.

Wine me, dine me, love me. See - I’m really not that hard to please - don’t listen to the rumors.

Life is good again.

We don’t know each other but I just received this forwarded email from Ali Landry via my obnoxious friend Elvis. She writes:

hi all

i just got word from family and friends in lafayette louisiana , my hometown, that bella is scheduled to open there on friday and will be there until the 21st . if it does well on these days it will stay longer. everyone is so excited and are jumping into action. i already got the list of all top tv and radio stations and i will do interviews and possibly tv remotes on friday. jack is already on top booking times. i know that i can fill theaters there and we can get amazing turnout. i am contacting everyone i know and all churches. if you can think of anything else we might do, let me know.

any contacts with catholic church there or knights of columbus. maybe they can put out a mass email .

here are upcoming show times

and below are tv and radio contacts

fyi i am shooting an article for ok mag on friday

troops event in new york went great and special will air in 72 countries in dec

i will also be hosting a big christmas event in bev hills on sat . i will be lighting the tree on rodeo drive. event is sponsored by gucci. tons of press!!!!!! great for bella

p.s. to friends , please send an email to everyone you know and tell them to get to the theater. they will not regret it!!!!!

for more info on bella go to www.bellathemovie.com

love you guys…you are awesome

ali

Hey Ali - I think I did you one better…

I’m exhausted from lifting and sitting around stuffing my face with protein, and…

lifting, lifting, more lifting, and…

My fucking hair is green! Look - Yes - my newly beloved [and wrongly assumed "skillful"] colorist botched up my highlights and lowlights and it’s just wrong, wrong, WRONG! It’s put me in the most foul mood! What the fuck am I going to do before I head down to the Bahamas? How could she do this to me? You can make a Dr Seuss rhyme out of my ashen locks….

Caught in the clutches of bad hair mayhem, the frenzied search for a color correction specialist in ON!

If this shit isn’t fixed by next week then there is no fucking way I’m going to the Caribbean! <sniff>! They’ll just have to go on without me!

This big gun from Texas cruises MySpace for young ass - ok - so I’m [almost] long past my twenties but come on now - I can still hang with the best of ‘em - and God strike me now if I’m lying but I just got some weird MediSpa microscopic skin probe done and surveys says that not only am I virtually free of fine lines but my skin is 99% better than women my age. That’s right, mother fuckers, do you hear that, StormFront? Why, interracial breeding is a must!

[Oh, as an aside, Max Adams - for all her bad, er, habits - ahem - has incredible skin. I know, I saw it up close and personal!]

So I googled his name and lo and behold! What do you know? He turns up in Hustler, as part of an expose on the Republican National Convention where he confesses that he’s slept with a number of young girls in recent years…seeing that he has a family, how stupid do you have to be to put forth a confession that will forever be immortalized in print? Hey - these are the freaky [in the closet] Republicans we’re talking about here so what do ya expect…

For the good of America [and a yummy steak dinner and lots of yummy rich red glasses of wine and of course, pure entertainment factor] should I go out with him?

I could always wear a tape recorder under my dress…

[I could always end up like Chandra Levy too].

Oh my god, free GHB, dudes, and as we all know it doubles as a date rape drug! Venturing into a ghetto schoolyard to score with your local pharmaceuticals delegate is now a thing of the past [hey, brother, you listenin'?]…chuck that shit in a time capsule, pass GO, rob $200 from your grandma and grab ‘em like they’re going out of style.

Those Chinese..sure are crafty!

Covertly poisoning and killing consumption hungry Westerners…priceless!

[Sorry I do not know what your vet and pediatrician bills cost].

But what I do know is this - my cat - the soft, demure, mooshy-faced Scottish Fold - the love of my life, the love du jour, she loves loves loves loves me long time - was believed to have come from “over there” via Chinese sailors. In light of current events:

I’m convinced. This cat. Is a Fold.

[Stolen from Ms Max]

Please vote for Laurie Kendrick so she can win the Funniest Blog category. I’ve no idea who she is [I can only read x amount these days before my eyes go haywire] but I do know she posts cool photos - just look above.  And a friend of Bagel’s (real or imagined) is a friend of mine.  Plus all of her pals know how to suck start a Harley.  If that’s not impressive…

One vote every 24 hours.

Good! There’s still a chance that I could win the lottery and fulfill one of my lifelong dreams - to see the Zeppelin in concert!

Now playing December 10th.

You know, they never quite said what he was doing when it happened.  Hopefully, not this again.

Oh my god, shivers! Somebody work some double duty to rescue me from this oncoming flu and my shameless shopping addiction!

I feel as if I must turn the heat up in my apartment and get under the covers and chill. Or rather, get nice and toasty. Ever since Sunday I’ve pretty much felt like shit. Uncle K and I dropped some mad money at my new favorite store, Cache [I'm boycotting Bebe, their shit falls right apart, it's cheap, cheap, cheap! I can't believe I've overlooked Cache all this time - well, except once, when I bought a black evening gown for the American Dream pageant back in 2001 - or was it 2002? Who knows.]

Then I went back the next day. For more. Self-indulgent, I know -but hey, wardrobe-wise, I’m now set up for the winter…besides, I don’t fit into my size 0 and 2’s anymore. In other words, I really don’t have shit to wear! So I’ve discovered that I’m now a size 6 in dresses and a 4 in pants. I swear to God, their clothes feel as if they were tailor made for someone with my exact proportions. I mean, how can this be possible? How do they know to leave room for my ass, quads, and lats? How can it fit so snug and perfect at the waist? I fell in love with just about everything I tried on. That’s why I had to have it all!

“Oooh, I wish I had your body!” all the girls cooed.  Yes, yes, kiss my ass - you kiss, I spend!  Spend, kiss, kiss, spend - work it, girls!

Yep, next to Nordstrom’s, Cache has the best customer service.  Apparently, I have a lifetime 5% discount and they even reused some woman’s $25 off coupon so I could save a few bucks.  It’s inspired me to eventually fire off a letter to headquarters to give ‘em all some mad props.  Those girls are so charming they can talk themselves right into your wallet.

If it’s not obvious by now, I’m a clothes addict. I need an intervention.